i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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