Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
