just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
