I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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