apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
