one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
