Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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