Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
