I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Even my vagina gasped.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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