Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize