I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
