So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
