the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
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