woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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