hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Farmville is her only friend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize