You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
be right there i have to get my cape
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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