I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
