She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
