I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
