i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
