The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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