I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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