Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
