CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
