How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
