My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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