i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
