just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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