im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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