If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
