I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
