Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When are your genitals available?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
