Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
