What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
