tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
