I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
