Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
