Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize