I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize