Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
