the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
