Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize