I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
