I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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