I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
and you fell through a lawn chair
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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