There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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