I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
