My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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