Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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