My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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