The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you had me at cake vodka
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
