If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize