I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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