But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
