Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
