I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
