I'm going to rape someone's good day.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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