have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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