Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
