I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
