I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
