i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
