they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
